yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
