over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
