Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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