hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
