Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
