My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
