Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
