god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
