I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
