I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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