im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
