Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
