she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
