Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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