when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
