Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
