so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think your dad took our porno
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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