Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
