I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
