hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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