Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
