I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
