bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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