im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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