either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
