I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
