For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
