I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
