I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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