Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize