The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
