Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
