8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
we're so committed to being not committed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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