Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
