dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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