He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
