after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
