I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
