I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Let's get the cat blown out
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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