i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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