considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
