I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize