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Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
