Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
