Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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