True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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