I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I love having hate sex.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
