I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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