if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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