it hurts more in the daytime
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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