Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
