I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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