the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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