Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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