2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
